Monday, December 28, 2009

Five Reasons Why Tiger Deserves Our Respect

I don’t blog much but sometimes when issues are of such importance I have to come out and speak my mind. Of course I’m talking about Tiger Woods, and I’ll take the unpopular position of supporting the embattled golfer. Here’s why:

Golf is a Promiscuous Sport

First of all, Tiger is a golfer, and anyone who has ever played the game knows that it’s catnip for the ladies. I played golf on my high school team and I always had eight girlfriends at a given time. I couldn’t help it. Most of the other guys had at least twelve but I was buck-toothed and scarred with horrible acne. Something about putting that little white ball in a hole, I can’t explain it.

Tiger is like Elvis
Tiger is the Elvis Presley of golf. He’s broken the race barrier by copying the white man, doing it better, and reinventing the game the same way Elvis did music. Elvis was known to have dozens of girlfriends in Memphis at any given time, some of them in high school, and nobody ever held it against him, except maybe his wife. Give Tiger the Elvis-like adoration he deserves.

Accomplished Womanizers Move More Product
Corporations should embrace Tiger’s lifestyle. I don’t know what to think of these corporations all dropping Tiger as a spokesman. What are they, like General Motors? This guy is an american hero. Why would a company like the makers of Viagra use some old wrinkled geezer like Bob Dole as their spokesperson when they could have a golfer who beds a dozen women in one night? Here are some other companies Tiger could endorse: Levitra, Trojan, Budweiser, Ambien, Flo-Max, Extenze, Axe Body Spray, the list is endless.

Tiger is the Victim Here

Tiger’s wife is the one guilty of mental cruelty. Nobody knows the existential loneliness that exists between the first tee and the final putt on eighteen. She never gave him the support he needed, leaving him no alternative other than flying into the vaginas of eighteen to seventy horny libidinous women a month.

Tiger is MORE of a Role Model Now
Let’s face it, kids today don’t aspire to become golfers. Golf video games suck, and no kid wants to actually go out into grass. Ticks! But screwing porn stars is something any American male teen can relate to, unless he’s gay, and then there’s gay golfer porn. Tiger’s done it! Strippers and waitresses too. Tiger is every boy’s dream of male glory. Leave him alone to bask in the glow and sell X-boxes and whatever else those damn kids want to buy.


Blogger Jen Sorensen said...

Good points all. Why do you think golf balls are dimpled, anyway? For her pleasure.

11:01 PM  

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