Alberto Gonzales

Ten Minute Activist

Hey, I illustrated a cool book that's out on the shelves called, The Ten Minute Activist. Written by The Mission Collective, it's full little items describing things you can do in your normal day to help slow the planet's demise, reverse tiny bits of evil, and even interfere with humanity's inexorable march toward extinction (if you care about those sorts of things).

It's entertaining and timely! I say, go buy the book today.

The book is lavishly illustrated throughout by yours truly. Here are some samples:

Biological agent hand soap: Bad

Tampon applicators: Bad

Bookworms: Heroic

Here's something you might enjoy if you're into books, design, and the inner-workings of the publishing industry. The red cover with my illustrations (right) was the original, but the marketing people at Avalon
Books felt the cartoons were "too flip" considering the serious nature of the editorial content. Never mind the illustrations on the inside. The cover they went with is the green one (top) with the planet Earth looking like Saturn with a golden ring around it––except that standing on the ring are one-hundred-million mile-tall letters spelling the title. Was it the right decision? I don't know––but hey, just because Airborne sells $200 million worth of product a year––doesn't mean a book with Dangle cartoons on it will. It's okay with me. You know my motto: Ours is not to question why; ours is but to do or die.

Sex of the Newt

One thing that is pretty funny about the presidential race here with twenty months to go before the election, is Newt Gingrinch's early admission of shameful infidelity, the horny old bastard adulterously banging a slice on the side during the witchhunt of President Clinton. Tell me, how does the big apple-headed rightwing twit get so much pooosy? Every time one of his wives gets cancer or has a nervous breakdown, ol' Newt is already two steps ahead of her––his hat hanging on the bedpost of another young ingenue! Bill Clinton's behavior looks charmingly naive and innocent by comparison. You'll remember his famous quote (paraphrased from memory here) "I had always been just a fat kid in big-boy jeans until I became president, and then––goll-eee! I could have any woman I wanted!" He was just a fat kid just lookin' to get a little attention. I don't know, Newt probably had a pair of those jeans too. He used to be a campus nerd with coke-bottle glasses and mutton chops. I guess I can sort of see how girls might feel sorry for him...

But what's funny is that the moral scold starts out twenty months before the election outing himself as a lecherous creep so that the voters will be innoculated over the long, grinding campaign. He's betting even the most righteous christians will be as gullible as the broken-hearted women along the Gingrich trail of tears.

Profile: Patrick Fitzgerald: Pussy

This whole Scoo-Lib thing has been a bitter disappointment. Everybody always said that Libby's prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald, was such a tough guy, top notch G-man, T-man, straight-shooter, and steely-eyed arbiter of western justice. I disagree! Sure, he's tough when it comes to leaning on a wimpy media creme puff like Matt Cooper. Sure he'll put Judy Miller behind bars and enjoy it. But when it comes to the Vice President, or Senior White House Official, Karl Rove, men physically and emotionally dripping with the mucous of guilt––serious crimes––where's mister tough-guy then? Quivering, shaking in his boots, and staining his BV's with the brick of fear. Let's be serious, you could convict Cheney of dozens of crimes and misdemeanors by opening one of his file drawers and reaching in. You wouldn't even need to be a lawyer. Give Cheney a breathalyzer test and he'd come up guilty of treason. The jury wouldn't have to deliberate more than a minute. Where's justice?!

Scooter Took One for the Team

Scooter is going down for Dick C. and the Bushies and Anna Nicole is temporarily out of the top news slot. The right wingers are going nuts imagining Scooter, (one of the good guys!), in lockup, and they're sounding the call for a pardon. My theory: Cheney planned to let Scooter take the hit, order a filet mignon , and not give it another thought (like he did when he shot his friend in the face). But Scooter was the wrong guy to pick on, not only because he looks like a gangster out of a Dick Tracy comic, but because he knows all about pardons, having been the lawyer to rich and famous pardon-seekers in a past life. In the opening defense statement, Libby's lawyer accused Cheney and Karl Rove of making him the fall guy and strongly suggesting that they would call Cheney to the stand and dig up all the sleazy, illegal, and embarrassing details of the administration's attack team. That's what you call a "negotiating position." Then something odd happened in the middle of the trial when Libby's defense team (the best that money can buy) suddenly dropped providing...any...defense...at...all. No wonder the jury was confused!

The deal: Keep your mouth shut. Take the hit. Drag out the appeals process. In jail, just keep with the other Republicans; there's safety in numbers. We'll pardon your ass, Scootie, as soon as it's politically feasible. When released, Scooter gets: the best medical care possible, Thai prostitutes, a boat, an island, an offshore personality, several secret identities, house in Nantucket, and a forklift palette of untraceable Iraq rebuilding money each for him and his wife.

Meanwhile, Cheney will be looking for a way to renege on the deal, and, if he finds one, then of course he'll double-cross his former chief of staff in a second.

Oh, and if you Google "Libby" you will discover that Libby's 100% Pure Pumpkin in a can is delicious.

Blog Sabbatical Ends

Yes, I have taken almost a year sabbatical from blogging. It's been great and, oh, what a year I had! Amazing how much you can get done when you aren't blogging. And how much better you feel when you aren't thinking about blogging. In fact, I've been so productive I have a new book coming out! Keep watching this space to find out when and where I will be appearing LIVE in your area, and all the crazy shit I have been and will be doing. Ugh! Back to blogging!