Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Today's Sketch: Acceptable New Security Measures

Monday, December 28, 2009

Five Reasons Why Tiger Deserves Our Respect

I don’t blog much but sometimes when issues are of such importance I have to come out and speak my mind. Of course I’m talking about Tiger Woods, and I’ll take the unpopular position of supporting the embattled golfer. Here’s why:

Golf is a Promiscuous Sport

First of all, Tiger is a golfer, and anyone who has ever played the game knows that it’s catnip for the ladies. I played golf on my high school team and I always had eight girlfriends at a given time. I couldn’t help it. Most of the other guys had at least twelve but I was buck-toothed and scarred with horrible acne. Something about putting that little white ball in a hole, I can’t explain it.

Tiger is like Elvis
Tiger is the Elvis Presley of golf. He’s broken the race barrier by copying the white man, doing it better, and reinventing the game the same way Elvis did music. Elvis was known to have dozens of girlfriends in Memphis at any given time, some of them in high school, and nobody ever held it against him, except maybe his wife. Give Tiger the Elvis-like adoration he deserves.

Accomplished Womanizers Move More Product
Corporations should embrace Tiger’s lifestyle. I don’t know what to think of these corporations all dropping Tiger as a spokesman. What are they, like General Motors? This guy is an american hero. Why would a company like the makers of Viagra use some old wrinkled geezer like Bob Dole as their spokesperson when they could have a golfer who beds a dozen women in one night? Here are some other companies Tiger could endorse: Levitra, Trojan, Budweiser, Ambien, Flo-Max, Extenze, Axe Body Spray, the list is endless.

Tiger is the Victim Here

Tiger’s wife is the one guilty of mental cruelty. Nobody knows the existential loneliness that exists between the first tee and the final putt on eighteen. She never gave him the support he needed, leaving him no alternative other than flying into the vaginas of eighteen to seventy horny libidinous women a month.

Tiger is MORE of a Role Model Now
Let’s face it, kids today don’t aspire to become golfers. Golf video games suck, and no kid wants to actually go out into grass. Ticks! But screwing porn stars is something any American male teen can relate to, unless he’s gay, and then there’s gay golfer porn. Tiger’s done it! Strippers and waitresses too. Tiger is every boy’s dream of male glory. Leave him alone to bask in the glow and sell X-boxes and whatever else those damn kids want to buy.

This Week's Troubletown: Blind and Unquestioning ways to Love


Monday, December 21, 2009

This Week's Cartoon: Brands in Trouble


Monday, December 14, 2009

This Week's Cartoon: Who Controls this Administration?


LIVE Snoozefest: Dangle on Deadline!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

10 Steps to Becoming a Better Communicator

Another helpful article for you entrepreneurs:

1. Remove marbles and other objects from your mouth before speaking

2. Always place your hand affectionately on the shoulder of the person you’re speaking to

3. Use an unctuous, ingratiating tone at all times

4. Use the words FREE OFFER, FREE OFFER liberally whenever you speak

5. Record a half hour of intelligent conversation on a small device that you wear under your collar; learn to lip synch

6. Avoid monotone: Alternate between deep/throaty and high/squeaky

7. Before speaking to a group, pound a heavy object against a hard surface as loudly at possible to indicate that you’re ready to start

8. Use outlandishly broad pantomime gestures to give your words visual impact

9. Use at least three multi-syllable words per sentence, it doesn’t matter if they’re relevant

10. Always pepper your speaking with uhs, ums, and y’knows. Otherwise people feel they're being talked down to

Monday, December 07, 2009

This Week's Cartoon: E-Z Guide to our AfPak Adventure


Dangle on Deadline LIVE

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Here's that Goddamn Airborne Commercial

It's weird and interesting to see how someone redraws your stuff. It's got that flash animation look where the features seem to be floating around on the face. Also, the guy has a creepy dip when he walks into the room and takes the baby. Otherwise it's great.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

12 Things that can Cause a Small Business to Fail

1. Someone who hates you curses your small business using a failure voodoo hex

2. You hire family to help run your small business but you’re from a family of morons

3. A rich brat with family money, you start a small business on a lark

4. You fail to bribe the proper corrupt local politicians and they shut down your small business for safety violations

5. You open a burrito joint in the same block as five others, you’re not Mexican, and your cooking sucks

6. You start a technology company because you’re a screwball garage tinkerer

7. You incorrectly perceive yourself as being a person with great entrepreneurial instincts

8. Local Asian street gangs offer to provide protection for your small business but you opt out

9. You're a cartoonist and you think newspapers are a growth industry

10. Everything you touch results in an e. coli breakout

11. A meteor strikes

12. You love your small business so much that you fail realize that your products have zero appeal to anyone else in the world

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Today's Sketch: Palin Ass Redux

Last week's sketches of Sarah Palin, picturing the former Alaska governor with an enormous keister may have been inappropriate and in poor taste. To make up for that, here's a new sketch in which she has no "junk in the trunk" at all.

10 Things to Do to Get Back at Your Credit Card Company

Everybody hates credit card companies with good reason. They would screw you in a second, jack up your interest rate, and laugh at your family’s pain. So the other day I saw an online article called Ten Things to do to Get Back at Your Credit Card Company. They were like, 1) Pay your bill on time, 2) Always pay more than the minimum... Come on, what bullshit! Here are ten things that’ll really drive your credit card company crazy:

1. Buy a yacht with your credit card, return it the next day but pocket the miles

2. Convince an Islamic extremist group that VISA makes cartoons of Mohammed

3. Every time you see a credit card application put it in a box with 100 pounds of chicken manure and send it in COD

4. Take out lots of credit cards under fake names and withdraw a million in cash and never give it back

5. Find out where the credit card call center is. Convince your nation’s military to bomb that country

6. Find out who works at the credit card company, follow them to where they park their car, squeeze crazy glue into the door locks

7. Go to the Manhattan office of one of your credit card companies and let a big sack of rabies-infected rats loose in the lobby

8. Go to your credit card’s website and upload pornographic pictures to the “build your own card” feature until it crashes the system

9. Supply the MasterCard company holiday party with e coli infected beef products and spinach

10. Never pay your credit card bill, ever. Die owing millions

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Today's Sketch: Tiger's Problem